Naah dont worry its not like im having some sort of emo period (just in case anyone thought it was xD)
This is just a little something i need to take off my chest, regarding to some events that took place months ago which lead me to lose one of my closest friends, even though now this no longer takes my sleep away, the scars always remain
There are many things that can hurt a lot in your life, some of those wounds heal with time, like a broken bone, a fall or something like it, but how much time does it take to heal a emotional wound? specially when you are aware it was because of you
that the events that lead to losing someone you considered more than a friend, like a brother, or sister took place? there is no way to tell.
The consequences of such burden in your head cant be measured either, in my case was over a week of literally no sleeping, constant emotional flipping, and of course, stress levels that could go through the roof, thankfully, the consequences didnt spread more
even though i am aware that due to the magnitude of my (self) anger it could have been much worse but thankfully they werent (even though i even think i didnt deserved such "kind" fate).
Sometimes i cant get to put in a table whats the worse part of all this, the guilt caused by fact that it was because of you that everything happened, or that when you finally cool down, realize everything that happened and try to make up for it, every move
or action no matter how clean or peaceful it is, is taken as a hostile move and you get that rubbed at your face, when your intentions are not even close to what the others think!
Its horrible when you are pictured as a criminal when all you try to do is to redeem yourself, maybe not even at the ones you hurt in the past, but to redeem to your own self to at least be able to sleep with at least one less thing in your head.
Yes i know my moves were not the smartest in the book, but like i said, its hard to react accordingly when anything you do is taken as some sort of attack, many times the "victims" are the ones who think they were affected or who's only emotions or opinions
matter, but the other side has also emotions and opinions that wishes to be heard and known by the world, if by any chance im still pictured as a "criminal" here, well sometimes criminals also have serious emotions, criminals can also feel a lot of regret
depression, pain, but most importantly, even criminals deserve a true second chance, where's mine? ó_ò and i dont talk about a short chat where everything you did or people rub at your face everything you do, or think you will do just to remind you
how much of a trash of person you are, worse yet when its by that person who was like a brother for you, someone with who you shared good and bad moments and always were there to share something to try to cheer each other up in bad moments of life.
Some people might say "Just grow up a pair and move forward" or "Why you keep thinking about it" or stuff like that, well, let me answer that question with another question
How are you supposed to move forward, when you are not at peace with yourself?
And why i am not at peace with myself you might ask? Because when i try to be at it, i am once again left pictured as the dirty responsible for everything and gets his wish denied because there's hostility from the very beginning ú-ù
I've also been told that "i must not hold any grudge at that person", but if im the one who wants to settle everything and finally be at peace but gets trashed and attacked/blamed because of it.....does that makes me the one holding the grudge, or.......?
I'll let you finish that thought
If you took a bit of your time to read this, i deeply thank you, and at the same time, i apologize for writing this venting, like i said, i am no longer troubled to the point of insanity by this, but in a way i have hopes of finally getting to that point when everything
will be finally settled, with no thoughts of possible suspicious activity from both sides and at the end of it, be able to forgive each other
But it kind of saddens me to say, that at this point, that this is not up to me ú^ù